3 parenting discipline mistakes

Here’s some expert guidance on navigating five common discipline situations.

Blowing your stack

Nothing makes parents feel quite so rotten as going postal on their kids — especially if it was something minor that set them off. “The  parent may be stressed for whatever reason, then the child does something that triggers a disproportionate reaction,” Direnfeld explains.

When it’s not a mistake: Parents are human and getting angry comes with the DNA. As long as it’s not a regular thing — and it never turns into abuse or shaming — you can relax.

Breaking bedtime routines

Kids really do benefit from structure and routines, and that includes regular bedtimes. “Even if some of those routines may seem boring, the longterm gain is that children have safety and security, and the healthy amount of sleep they need,” says Dungate. If

you’re too lax about nighttime routines, you’ll hear about it. “Over time, you’ll start to see more tiredness, more discipline issues, and maybe some backtalk from older children.” 

When it’s not a mistake: Some things are worth staying up late for — even on a school night.

Doling out rewards

Rewards are usually a poor way to motivate kids. Paying your child for every A on her report card might get her to study harder in the short term, but this kind of “results-oriented” reward won’t nurture a love of learning.

What’s worse is doling out rewards in advance, such as giving your preschooler a treat if he promises to sit quietly during a church service. That’s not a reward — it’s a bribe. “A bribe means I get paid today for something I have to deliver tomorrow,” Direnfeld says. "Once I get paid, I really don’t have any incentive to deliver.”

When it’s not a mistake: There’s nothing wrong with praising your kids for bringing home good marks, but try to focus on the process rather than the outcome: A mediocre student who studies hard for a B- deserves a pat on the back too. “Say something like ‘I’m glad to see you’re studying for tomorrow’s spelling test,’” Carson suggests. “Make a positive comment about the effort.”

Backing down on consequence

As parents, we know we shouldn’t be authoritarian, but we need to be authoritative. That means having the backbone to follow  through on a discipline decision, even when kids think it’s unfair. 

When it’s not a mistake: “You can back out of things if you think you overreacted,” Carson advises. If you handed down a consequence that would make Nero look merciful, you’re not doing yourself any favours by stubbornly following through. “You can say, ‘I grounded you for a month, and that seems excessive.’”